The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

My first pregnancy, I was a worried mess. I knew every statistic, I knew what was developing when, without a second thought I knew which fruit correlated to the age of my developing baby. By our third pregnancy, I had a new train of thought. I realized that if I could get in and out of the parking garage in 30 minutes, I wouldn't have to shell out the $4 for parking and could get a gorgeously smooth Vivace' decaf coffee instead. Thus, the challenge began. Now, I never rushed the doctor, as I am innately a worrier, but I did get excited when I noticed that I might make it! Just to add to the challenge, my doctor's office is on the 11th floor and I had to work around wheelchairs and all sorts of  medical personnel, while trying to maintain a look of normalcy.

Appreciate this crazy kid!

It was quite a challenge. Achieved only 1 time. This third baby had been a true blessing to us and we were very excited. I was looking forward to one more baby to snuggle through those middle of the night wake-ups. Unfortunately, as life often does, we were thrown a curve ball or a bad pitch or whatever the worst baseball metaphor you can think of is.

Peter and I were headed to our 20 week ultrasound. I did the typical rush around to get ready, but took time to change out of my flipflops. (Because I'm sure the doctor would have noticed my unsupportive shoe choice...)  My wonderful babysitter dad got there to watch the girls with plenty of time and we were off.  We had the typical, pre-ultrasound discussions on the way.  Boy or girl? Any good names? Why are people driving so slow? We have an important appointment!

When we got there, we actually had time to grab a coffee before heading in (caffeine free, of course). I was feeling pretty high on life...80 degrees in Seattle with my fabulous husband. We had even planned a romantic lunch date after the appointment. I had some important decorating ideas to discuss.

And this one.

As we headed back to our exam room, my thoughts were of prior ultrasounds and what new memories we would make at this one.  The smiling ultrasound tech made some small talk about guesses between a girl or a boy as she was putting the ultrasound gel on my bulging belly. I said something about how now that I'm older I know that this ultrasound is a big deal, more than just a gender reveal.

Then she just looked over at me, any sign of her previously pleasant demeanor completely vanished as she empathetically said, "I'm so sorry, but there's no heartbeat." I looked closely at the screen, searching for something to point to, showing that my baby was actually alive. I've seen my baby! Not once, but 2 times kicking around in there with nothing out of the ordinary. Not a single red flag. Of course, there was nothing there. I could see the outlines of a little one, but none of that magical color we had seen with the girls to indicate the heart beating and blood flowing.

Time did that whole stand still thing; the minutes felt like uncomfortable hours as we just sat there in that dark, silent room, the technician taking some measurements.  Then a doctor appeared to make the official declaration. They left us in the room for a minute and we just looked at each other. What do you say anyway.

The whole experience was one that I know will, unfortunately, be seared into my mind. The doctors were all so kind. They didn't make us sit in any waiting rooms, but whisked us to wherever we needed to be.  (I can't imagine it's good for business to have our red eyes sitting in a room full of emotional pregnant women, but whatever the reason, I'm grateful for those individual rooms).

This is the message from a very sweet student,
after she found out I had lost the baby.

The whole physical process is a horrible thing and I fearfully imagined how this little babe was going to come out, but, of course, that part is nothing compared to coming to grips with our new reality. Retraining my mind not to protect my belly when my big girls start to tickle me, trying to get rid of all the baby reminders so I'm not caught off guard and telling our very excited 4 year old that actually there isn't a baby anymore while she asks why it still "looks" like I have a baby.

The view that was 3 kids is 2. People tell us "Oh, you know you'll have another." Seriously? I'm feeling pretty confident that I don't know anything anymore.  I thought I "knew" we were having THIS baby.  I felt this baby.  Laney talked to the baby every night and gave it kisses first thing every morning. We prayed for it's healthy delivery.  I never met this little munchkin, but as so many mommas know, the connection you feel with your baby comes long before their delivery date.

I have learned much over the last week.  Many things that I would rather not have firsthand experience with, but some that have altered my perspectives in good ways. As for what to say if you see us, it is true, just say, "I'm so sorry". So am I.

I also read something recently (lots of middle of the night google searching going on over here), a parent never forgets, if you mention a loss to a mom, you're not actually reminding her because she hasn't...can't forget.  If you say something, it's okay. It's good.  There is, of course, the risk she might shed a couple of tears, but don't worry, they probably won't be the sobbing tears of the first week or the late nights and she'll actually appreciate that you thought of her and her baby who was so very real.

Our thoughts are with those who have been through similar life circumstances. We truly send our love. We did not get to know yours and you didn't get to know ours, but those little babies are so very real and so very unique and so very special. <3

Daddy Days

After a two year hiatus, I've decided to bring back the blog.  It's more for me than anything; a way to remember my memories and capture some of the silly little days events that make motherhood what it is...an "abounding adventure".  Hmmm...too cheesy?  Definitely, but I'm keeping it! My cheesy page of memories.

Today, I was putting Emi down for a nap.  I zipped her into her colorful zip-up blanket (the only way to keep her from climbing out of her crib), I read her the standard 3 board books, I got her a doll and paci and was just putting her down when the pointing began.  She's quite the pointer. Unlike her sister, who always found the words to express herself, Emi prefers the non verbal method.  With her little pointer finger out she starts vigorously pointing under the bed, then at herself, then under the bed, then at herself over and over.

I immediately know what she wants.  It's all for the massive teddy bear (definitely a gift from her uncle) that she realized I hid under the bed.  Based on all the fear mongering important articles I've read, children shouldn't be sleeping with large, soft, choking hazard animals in their bed with them. Why then does this little girl think she should get an over-sized bear to sleep with?  Because yesterday was a Daddy Day and Daddy doesn't get to read the numerous Facebook posts meant to scare poor moms into putting their babies into little cribs that are as welcoming as a visit with a tax auditor.  Needless to say, I gave her the huge bear and placed her into her crib.

I always hum when I put her down.  A few weeks ago, she started humming herself.  So I just barely managed to hold her in my arms with her huge teddy bear sandwiched between us, while she hummed my daily, "Da, Da, Dum..."

Really appreciating the baby monitor during this nap...

Hmmm...a little conflicted about the weather.

I got distracted and when I turned around, of course she's climbing up
 something.  Good call losing the boots though.

Life is Good!

So here I am in Sept, Oct, Nov, Dec, Jan, February writing my "monthly" update on life at the Olsons'. It has been an eventful several months as Laney has been growing, Peter has gotten a new job, and I have been adjusting to working full-time.  We are so blessed to have two wonderful women watching Laney during the day.  She loves them! I feel so blessed that the only tears are when I try to take her home. 

Additionally, Peter has the privilege of getting to stay home one day a week to play with Laney and he is loving it (so am I for that matter)! He has one task on those days and that is to plan and shop for the weekly meals (a huge job!). It goes without saying that he's an amazing husband and Laney and I are lucky to have him.

It was a big decision whether or not to go back to work and people often share their opinion about how staying-at-home or working will ruin your child. My teacher perspective definitely helped me through this as I know some of the most amazing young people who came from both working and stay-at-home parent families.  On the flip side, the crazies come from both, too.  :)

I always come back to the same thing.  No two families are the same, no two kids are the same. Every decision should be made and remade frequently and whatever decision you choose be proud of it. That said, I'm using sick days as needed and guilt free.

Here are some updates from the last...oh...6 months:

• Laney started walking at about one year and now it seems like her feet aren't keeping up with how fast she wants to go.
• She's still the same very expressive little gal whose smile are ear to ear and cries are glass shattering.
• She absolutely loves reading and it is how I find time to get ready in the morning. 
• She loves mimicking us and recently starting working to ensure her favorite stuffed Kitty has good hygiene   She uses a wash cloth to wash Kitty, she brushes her "teeth", combs her hair, blows her nose, wipes Kitty's bottom, and absolutely INSISTS that Kitty wears "pretty" hair bows on her ears.  
• Laney is a definite animal lover!  She talks about my parents' dog, Tessa constantly, calling out to her first thing in the morning.  She loves watching the video of her Auntie Gina's two puppies and is constantly pointing out every animal within a 2 mile radius
• She has just started speaking in phrases and has lots to say including many directives for us, "Momma, Daddy, sit here."
• She's a fierce physical trainer.  She'll sit on Peter's back and count as he does push-ups.  When he's done, she exclaims "More...push-ups!"
• She loves to give hugs and kisses, giving them freely to new friends at the park, pictures, and the iPad.
• Peter and I have started working out again and we're hoping to keep it up. So much easier in the nicer weather. Maybe a race will motivate us...
• I recently came to the revelation that we're pretty much a typical Seattle family. We love our fairtrade coffee (Laney recognizes the sound of the grinder at friends' homes), we can talk about the benefits of buying organic for hours, and a favorite place to visit is REI so we can check out the latest "gear" for our outdoor adventures. Life is good!

Laney's longest hike yet!

My Baby is 1!

I can't believe it, but my baby girl is 1 year old! What a wonderful and blessed year it has been.  I have enjoyed every minute with her (yes, even the ones involving bodily fluids). I truly can't believe how quickly she's picking up on things.  If we set a comb in front of her, she'll pick it up and comb her hair.  For her birthday, she got a "Laney-sized" table and immediately she went and sat down on the bench like a little adult.  She knew just how to put her leg over the bench and get comfortable.  She now tries to put her clothes on herself (we're still working on that one) and she loves "brushing" her teeth with her bitty brush.

Nose to Nose with Mom :)

Of course, her first steps were a pretty cool moment, too.  Our fabulous nanny had assured us that if Laney tried to walk while we weren't there, she would kindly knock her down.  So sweet! Luckily, Peter and I were both playing with her when she decided to stand up and carry her bunny across the room.  Such a cool moment!

I can't put into words all that I've learned this year, but there are a few things that I think about often.

 I had never realized before, but babies just make people happy.  I am so impressed by how many people smile, wave, laugh, hold doors open and just show genuine kindness when Laney is around.  I can't imagine how wonderful the world would be if that was common practice.

Also, I am constantly reminding myself to just sit down and play.  It is so difficult for me to ignore the 100s of tasks calling my name, but I try very hard to spend any time I can just playing with the sweetest little toddler that I've ever seen.

The final thing that I think about often is trusting God.  From the moment I got pregnant, through the birth, through starting back at work to finding childcare and Peter getting a new job.  I have had so many truly compelling reasons to worry (and I have done more than my fair share of it).  I have learned so many times that God will take care of us and His plan has turned out even better than I imagined.

Babies are so "Fluffy"!

Laney LOVES the swings so we go to the playground often.  Earlier this week we went and as we were swinging an adorable little 6 year old boy, Nigel, came to the swings to show off his mad swinging skillz.  Laney loved him and he asked if he could gently push her.

We had some time for small talk and I asked Nigel, "Do you like pushing kids on the swings?"

Nigel responded, "Only babies.  Because they're so fluffy.  Look at her cheeks and her legs."

Well, Nigel, Laney says, "Thank you."

I agree. I love those "fluffy" cheeks and legs.  Thanks for making our day. 

Fun in the swings with Dad

A recent hiking trip

We agreed that since I carried Laney the first 9 months 24hr/day.
Peter would carry her on the outside. Thanks, Peter!

Laney's always trying to grab things along the trail.
She finally got something!

Last weekend, Peter shared an interesting thought.  He said that he just got a new holiday...Father's Day.  I realized Father's Day is the only holiday that you can actually earn.  It sure does take a lot of work to earn it!  Here are a few fun pics from Laney and Peter's first Father's Day.  

Our girl loves her keys!

Peter, Grandpa Olson and Great-Grandpa Olson. Three generations of fab fathers!

Laney and her Auntie Kristen dancing to some music on the ipad.

ALARM! (Insert blinking red light here)

Now I know what you're thinking, "Something urgent must be happening for the title of this post to say ALARM!." When I saw the ALARM! light blinking a bright red on my new printer, I assumed a similar thing...perhaps my printer was about to explode or catch on fire! Well, according to Canon, that bright light that is currently illuminating my hallway simply indicates that my printer has a paper jam...hmmmm....feels like a bit of a let down. 


I don't mean to make light of the emergency that a printer jam is (especially during finals week at college), but are you kidding me, Canon? Could the printer not just say "Paper Jam", no caps or flashing lights needed.  Plus, then I would know what the issue is without having to hunt down my printer manual.

Look at that cute, little girl

If I had an ALARM light in my life it would have appeared several times in the last week.  In fact, on Thursday, it would have been flashing with it's full force. Peter was out of town and I was just about to take Laney to the babysitters before I went to work.  As we were sitting on the couch, putting on her coat, I got that all too familiar feeling of warm, wetness on my leg.  I looked down to find a distinct brownish transparency around the top of Laney's pants! As my heart sank, I tried to work out the logistics of showering myself, bathing Laney, finding new, clean outfits for each of us, not contaminating the rest of the house with this undesirable brown tinted wetness, and making it to work on time. Laney didn't seem at all phased by the sudden turn of events and almost seemed happy about it. :)

Unexpected bath...Fun!

Perhaps you would disagree with this next "ALARM light" moment, but on Easter evening, Laney took her first intentional, independent crawls forward.  Undoubtedly, I am thrilled for her and love watching her grow and achieve new milestones, but this movement struck me with total fear and trepidation.  My daughter is moving...without me!  Gone are the days of using outlets freely, running upstairs without having to leap over gates, and setting her down to play without worry. Instead, I find myself anticipating the safety of our little home. I am grateful for our small house so I have less physical space to worry about (though I could do without the 3 flights of stairs... it's an obstacle course to get upstairs and I'm just hoping that my glutes get a good workout with each gate I leap.)

Watch out, Duck! Laney's coming for you!

I got him!

I think I'll leave this post at that and go sort out the printer.  Here's hoping that there are no more ALARMs this week.