Kids...Always a Mind of Their Own!

The baby's coming! Oh wait...no it's not. Yes it is! No...wait...no.

My first two adorable little munchkins arrived about a week early. As a type A person, that is how I like it. I started having contractions and I knew it was time to go in.  With Laney I probably labored for about 20 hours and with Emi I went in around 8 am and had her by 3 pm.  Then there is this sweet little gal.  First of all, no one told her, but we do EARLY deliveries in our family. None of this overdue business, but here we sit on my due date and she just seems to be kickin' along, no real rush for anything.

I've always gotten a lot of contractions, but that doesn't seem to mean much. Apparently I have an irritable uterus (not the only thing that will be irritable if she stays in there much longer...)

In a million ways, this entire pregnancy has been a different experience for me.  We were so fortunate to be able to get pregnant quickly after our loss last year.  As I've opened my eyes to the world of loss and infertility, I realize just how fortunate we are. A struggle with personally knowing that reality, is that I am constantly aware of the risk. For a long time, I tried to stay detached, but now as I sit here...40 full weeks...I am completely attached to this little gal...still scared...definitely! But still in love.

This sweet girl will always be the one who came after our loss, but more than that, she'll be our precious 4th baby girl. The only who I started feeling kick at 13 weeks, who kept me up, almost nightly, between 12-1 while she did her acrobatics, the one who got comfortable and waited until she was good and ready to arrive on HER time.

I know that in a week or two, I'll be completely exhausted and overwhelmed, but for now, today, I need to soak in this moment of joy intermixed with past sorrow, of anticipation and fear. This moment knowing that all control is out of my hands and in the hands of our Father in Heaven.

To my sweet girls (all 4 of them): I love you so much and thank God for each day I got and still have to spend with you.

18 Months Pregnant

Did you know that an elephant is pregnant for somewhere between 18 and 22 months? I have now been pregnant for as long as an elephant! (Minus a 3 month period in the middle that I'd rather not revisit.). I'm a pretty strict rule follower so that pretty much means no deli meat, not soft cheeses, no alcohol, no caffeine, no wild adventures (though this kind of is one) for 18 months! Hmmm...really empathizing with those poor elephants these days.

Becoming pregnant after our loss was a bit of a "thing". We decided to give ourselves some time to just mourn loss of our little girl. Goes without saying that was a really hard time. After 3 months, we decided we would revisit the topic. Well 3 months passed...often agonizingly slow.  We weren't sure we'd want to try again, but I just couldn't look at a picture of our family without seeing 3. I couldn't imagine being done and having those experiences be my last. I couldn't retrain my brain to picture our girls not having one more sibling. So...here we are.  

It's been a rough ride at times Someone recently found out I was pregnant and said, "Well, luckily at 30 weeks you're in the safe zone." I smiled and nodded and, of course, that nod meant, "SAFE ZONE!! There is no safe zone!" But that's life I figure, there isn't a safe zone, but this is an experience worth the risks.

I know that 3 kids is going to be crazy (no one lies to you about how easy it'll be by the 3rd), but I'm excited about our family.  I wish I was able to relax and embrace every moment, but, honestly, that's just not happening this time around. This pregnancy is hard. Not because of the peeing all night, not because of the lack of sleeping or getting kicked in the ribs hard (though that's hard, too). More forbidding myself from google searching, trying to forget that I'm pregnant, planning for a baby while not counting on a baby, hard.

That said, there sure have been a lot of little blessings throughout this process.

First, my girls. They are AMAZING. They are sooo excited for another baby sister! They let me rest on the couch in the evenings. "Emi don't bother mom! She's growing a baby!" They give me an extra cookie for the baby whenever we're sharing treats.  They are the first to tell every person we meet that I am pregnant again so that I don't have to say it out loud when I'm feeling unsure. They have helped brainstorm a great list of names...(Vanilla, New, Emi...) Their excitement is wonderfully contagious!

Second, my placenta is in the back. What that means is, since week 13 I have been able to feel this baby rocking and rolling. I find myself worried at the most random times, but then I suddenly feel her and I can relax again. Phew!

Third, well, life is good. I know we're going to hit many more hurdles along the way, but for now, I'll just sit here in the knowledge that in spite of all the struggles life good.  Plus, I'm just gonna sit here because this baby belly has popped and I'd rather not move.

Love and hugs!

What do you say to the mom who just lost her baby?

Loss of a baby is so unique. To grieve for someone that I never knew, but deeply miss. To survive the physical pain while simultaneously working through the complex emotions of loss. What do you say to that mom? The woman whose emotions are so raw that a lingering look or deep sigh encompass a thought too deep to delve into.

Since losing our baby, I've read about many women's struggles of loss. Women who were quickly able to return to "normal" and women who spent years trying to forge a new pathway they weren't ready for. It's heartbreaking. It's inspiring. It's an opportunity to support one another.

Have you read that popular quote from Mr. Rogers?

When  I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping'. 

Through the loss of our baby, I discovered the truth of that quote. When I couldn't carry the burden of grief myself, others came alongside and helped. No two people handle life's struggles the same way, so there is no "thing" to say to this broken-hearted mom, but perhaps you can find a way to come alongside her and show your love and support in the most simple ways. I remember an especially meaningful pat on the back. A message someone sent months later, just saying she remembered. A little item to hold dear. A kiss someone blew me in the hallway. The meals, oh thank you for the meals. The thoughtfulness that came before receiving a text that a kind friend was pregnant, allowing me to be a part of the joyfulness while giving me space to breathe through my own thoughts.

Share the burden. Sometimes in life, the burden is heavy, but simply knowing that others are walking alongside you and helping to carry your burden can be inspiring in a time of sadness.

 It's not what you say, it's how you care. <3

To our sweet friends, family, neighbors and anyone who is a part of our little village. Thank you.

The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

My first pregnancy, I was a worried mess. I knew every statistic, I knew what was developing when, without a second thought I knew which fruit correlated to the age of my developing baby. By our third pregnancy, I had a new train of thought. I realized that if I could get in and out of the parking garage in 30 minutes, I wouldn't have to shell out the $4 for parking and could get a gorgeously smooth Vivace' decaf coffee instead. Thus, the challenge began. Now, I never rushed the doctor, as I am innately a worrier, but I did get excited when I noticed that I might make it! Just to add to the challenge, my doctor's office is on the 11th floor and I had to work around wheelchairs and all sorts of  medical personnel, while trying to maintain a look of normalcy.

Appreciate this crazy kid!

It was quite a challenge. Achieved only 1 time. This third baby had been a true blessing to us and we were very excited. I was looking forward to one more baby to snuggle through those middle of the night wake-ups. Unfortunately, as life often does, we were thrown a curve ball or a bad pitch or whatever the worst baseball metaphor you can think of is.

Peter and I were headed to our 20 week ultrasound. I did the typical rush around to get ready, but took time to change out of my flipflops. (Because I'm sure the doctor would have noticed my unsupportive shoe choice...)  My wonderful babysitter dad got there to watch the girls with plenty of time and we were off.  We had the typical, pre-ultrasound discussions on the way.  Boy or girl? Any good names? Why are people driving so slow? We have an important appointment!

When we got there, we actually had time to grab a coffee before heading in (caffeine free, of course). I was feeling pretty high on life...80 degrees in Seattle with my fabulous husband. We had even planned a romantic lunch date after the appointment. I had some important decorating ideas to discuss.

And this one.

As we headed back to our exam room, my thoughts were of prior ultrasounds and what new memories we would make at this one.  The smiling ultrasound tech made some small talk about guesses between a girl or a boy as she was putting the ultrasound gel on my bulging belly. I said something about how now that I'm older I know that this ultrasound is a big deal, more than just a gender reveal.

Then she just looked over at me, any sign of her previously pleasant demeanor completely vanished as she empathetically said, "I'm so sorry, but there's no heartbeat." I looked closely at the screen, searching for something to point to, showing that my baby was actually alive. I've seen my baby! Not once, but 2 times kicking around in there with nothing out of the ordinary. Not a single red flag. Of course, there was nothing there. I could see the outlines of a little one, but none of that magical color we had seen with the girls to indicate the heart beating and blood flowing.

Time did that whole stand still thing; the minutes felt like uncomfortable hours as we just sat there in that dark, silent room, the technician taking some measurements.  Then a doctor appeared to make the official declaration. They left us in the room for a minute and we just looked at each other. What do you say anyway.

The whole experience was one that I know will, unfortunately, be seared into my mind. The doctors were all so kind. They didn't make us sit in any waiting rooms, but whisked us to wherever we needed to be.  (I can't imagine it's good for business to have our red eyes sitting in a room full of emotional pregnant women, but whatever the reason, I'm grateful for those individual rooms).

This is the message from a very sweet student,
after she found out I had lost the baby.

The whole physical process is a horrible thing and I fearfully imagined how this little babe was going to come out, but, of course, that part is nothing compared to coming to grips with our new reality. Retraining my mind not to protect my belly when my big girls start to tickle me, trying to get rid of all the baby reminders so I'm not caught off guard and telling our very excited 4 year old that actually there isn't a baby anymore while she asks why it still "looks" like I have a baby.

The view that was 3 kids is 2. People tell us "Oh, you know you'll have another." Seriously? I'm feeling pretty confident that I don't know anything anymore.  I thought I "knew" we were having THIS baby.  I felt this baby.  Laney talked to the baby every night and gave it kisses first thing every morning. We prayed for it's healthy delivery.  I never met this little munchkin, but as so many mommas know, the connection you feel with your baby comes long before their delivery date.

I have learned much over the last week.  Many things that I would rather not have firsthand experience with, but some that have altered my perspectives in good ways. As for what to say if you see us, it is true, just say, "I'm so sorry". So am I.

I also read something recently (lots of middle of the night google searching going on over here), a parent never forgets, if you mention a loss to a mom, you're not actually reminding her because she hasn't...can't forget.  If you say something, it's okay. It's good.  There is, of course, the risk she might shed a couple of tears, but don't worry, they probably won't be the sobbing tears of the first week or the late nights and she'll actually appreciate that you thought of her and her baby who was so very real.

Our thoughts are with those who have been through similar life circumstances. We truly send our love. We did not get to know yours and you didn't get to know ours, but those little babies are so very real and so very unique and so very special. <3

Daddy Days

After a two year hiatus, I've decided to bring back the blog.  It's more for me than anything; a way to remember my memories and capture some of the silly little days events that make motherhood what it is...an "abounding adventure".  Hmmm...too cheesy?  Definitely, but I'm keeping it! My cheesy page of memories.

Today, I was putting Emi down for a nap.  I zipped her into her colorful zip-up blanket (the only way to keep her from climbing out of her crib), I read her the standard 3 board books, I got her a doll and paci and was just putting her down when the pointing began.  She's quite the pointer. Unlike her sister, who always found the words to express herself, Emi prefers the non verbal method.  With her little pointer finger out she starts vigorously pointing under the bed, then at herself, then under the bed, then at herself over and over.

I immediately know what she wants.  It's all for the massive teddy bear (definitely a gift from her uncle) that she realized I hid under the bed.  Based on all the fear mongering important articles I've read, children shouldn't be sleeping with large, soft, choking hazard animals in their bed with them. Why then does this little girl think she should get an over-sized bear to sleep with?  Because yesterday was a Daddy Day and Daddy doesn't get to read the numerous Facebook posts meant to scare poor moms into putting their babies into little cribs that are as welcoming as a visit with a tax auditor.  Needless to say, I gave her the huge bear and placed her into her crib.

I always hum when I put her down.  A few weeks ago, she started humming herself.  So I just barely managed to hold her in my arms with her huge teddy bear sandwiched between us, while she hummed my daily, "Da, Da, Dum..."

Really appreciating the baby monitor during this nap...

Hmmm...a little conflicted about the weather.

I got distracted and when I turned around, of course she's climbing up
 something.  Good call losing the boots though.

Life is Good!

So here I am in Sept, Oct, Nov, Dec, Jan, February writing my "monthly" update on life at the Olsons'. It has been an eventful several months as Laney has been growing, Peter has gotten a new job, and I have been adjusting to working full-time.  We are so blessed to have two wonderful women watching Laney during the day.  She loves them! I feel so blessed that the only tears are when I try to take her home. 

Additionally, Peter has the privilege of getting to stay home one day a week to play with Laney and he is loving it (so am I for that matter)! He has one task on those days and that is to plan and shop for the weekly meals (a huge job!). It goes without saying that he's an amazing husband and Laney and I are lucky to have him.

It was a big decision whether or not to go back to work and people often share their opinion about how staying-at-home or working will ruin your child. My teacher perspective definitely helped me through this as I know some of the most amazing young people who came from both working and stay-at-home parent families.  On the flip side, the crazies come from both, too.  :)

I always come back to the same thing.  No two families are the same, no two kids are the same. Every decision should be made and remade frequently and whatever decision you choose be proud of it. That said, I'm using sick days as needed and guilt free.

Here are some updates from the last...oh...6 months:

• Laney started walking at about one year and now it seems like her feet aren't keeping up with how fast she wants to go.
• She's still the same very expressive little gal whose smile are ear to ear and cries are glass shattering.
• She absolutely loves reading and it is how I find time to get ready in the morning. 
• She loves mimicking us and recently starting working to ensure her favorite stuffed Kitty has good hygiene   She uses a wash cloth to wash Kitty, she brushes her "teeth", combs her hair, blows her nose, wipes Kitty's bottom, and absolutely INSISTS that Kitty wears "pretty" hair bows on her ears.  
• Laney is a definite animal lover!  She talks about my parents' dog, Tessa constantly, calling out to her first thing in the morning.  She loves watching the video of her Auntie Gina's two puppies and is constantly pointing out every animal within a 2 mile radius
• She has just started speaking in phrases and has lots to say including many directives for us, "Momma, Daddy, sit here."
• She's a fierce physical trainer.  She'll sit on Peter's back and count as he does push-ups.  When he's done, she exclaims "More...push-ups!"
• She loves to give hugs and kisses, giving them freely to new friends at the park, pictures, and the iPad.
• Peter and I have started working out again and we're hoping to keep it up. So much easier in the nicer weather. Maybe a race will motivate us...
• I recently came to the revelation that we're pretty much a typical Seattle family. We love our fairtrade coffee (Laney recognizes the sound of the grinder at friends' homes), we can talk about the benefits of buying organic for hours, and a favorite place to visit is REI so we can check out the latest "gear" for our outdoor adventures. Life is good!

Laney's longest hike yet!

My Baby is 1!

I can't believe it, but my baby girl is 1 year old! What a wonderful and blessed year it has been.  I have enjoyed every minute with her (yes, even the ones involving bodily fluids). I truly can't believe how quickly she's picking up on things.  If we set a comb in front of her, she'll pick it up and comb her hair.  For her birthday, she got a "Laney-sized" table and immediately she went and sat down on the bench like a little adult.  She knew just how to put her leg over the bench and get comfortable.  She now tries to put her clothes on herself (we're still working on that one) and she loves "brushing" her teeth with her bitty brush.

Nose to Nose with Mom :)

Of course, her first steps were a pretty cool moment, too.  Our fabulous nanny had assured us that if Laney tried to walk while we weren't there, she would kindly knock her down.  So sweet! Luckily, Peter and I were both playing with her when she decided to stand up and carry her bunny across the room.  Such a cool moment!

I can't put into words all that I've learned this year, but there are a few things that I think about often.

 I had never realized before, but babies just make people happy.  I am so impressed by how many people smile, wave, laugh, hold doors open and just show genuine kindness when Laney is around.  I can't imagine how wonderful the world would be if that was common practice.

Also, I am constantly reminding myself to just sit down and play.  It is so difficult for me to ignore the 100s of tasks calling my name, but I try very hard to spend any time I can just playing with the sweetest little toddler that I've ever seen.

The final thing that I think about often is trusting God.  From the moment I got pregnant, through the birth, through starting back at work to finding childcare and Peter getting a new job.  I have had so many truly compelling reasons to worry (and I have done more than my fair share of it).  I have learned so many times that God will take care of us and His plan has turned out even better than I imagined.